Dealing With Anger After an Affair

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Dealing With Anger After an Affair 2011-02-07T09:49:36+00:00

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  • Danny de HekDanny de Hek
    Keymaster
    Post count: 166
    #3736 |

    Being angry is not wrong. It is a healthy and an appropriate emotional response to injustice. Anger is pain turned outward.

    Anger serves a constructive purpose in bringing about healing. However, anger needs to be channeled in healthy and constructive ways. A key to recovering from infidelity (especially if you are interested in rebuilding your marriage) is to avoid bad responses. Bad responses create greater problems.

    Thoughts on Anger

    "It was the hardest of emotions for me to overcome, but I finally accepted the fact that it happened and that I had no control over the actions of my spouse. I continually reminded myself that unless I controlled my own actions, I would be bound by my own stubbornness to remain in the anger and resentment stage. The constant dwelling on what happened is what keeps people stuck there. Again I had to control my own thoughts and move ahead. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it can be done especially if you choose to stay focused." – An Affair Survivor

    "I think, hard as it is to accept, that ‘tincture of time’ is the best way to get past both the hurt and the anger. I also know that it is possible to get stuck in either place. So what I did, instead of trying to rush the process, was to really LET myself be sad and then to LET myself be angry for a while. I had spent so much time and energy trying to move on, that I found I was denying myself the right to feel what I NEEDED to feel in order to heal. Once I acknowledged my feelings and that I wasn’t crazy for feeling them, it was much easier to let them go. Now when negative feelings come, I can acknowledge them and put them away much faster. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It has been nearly 3 years for me and I’m finally getting there." – An Affair Survivor

    There are two types of anger to overcome: the initial reaction fury anger and the long-term bitterness and resentment slowly festering inside anger.

    Bix2006Bix2006
    Participant
    Post count: 8

    HI, I am new to this and decided to join to ask for advice. It is definitely about anger.
    My partner of nearly 10 years told me on new year’s eve 2014 that he was frustrated with our sex life and want to have an affair. I was devastated but prepared to accept that sexual mismatch between us was a painful issue for him, although we did have sex on average twice a week. I have had 6 miscarriages in this relationship and 9 in total. During our relationship I had a myomectomy in an attempt to enable me to stay pregnant but it didn’t work. So I believe I had a really hard time, was down and negative. I accept it created difficulties in our relationship but I was shocked by my partner’s lack of empathy. He has 4 boys from 2 previous relationships and we have had shared care of the youngest since he was 2!/2 years old.
    I said I could accept him seeing a sex worker, someone who would not interfere with our couple but he wanted only to have sex with his ex-partner, mother of the youngest son. I said this was the worst choice possible and no good would ever come out of this. He still insisted and pressured me for about a week, I cried a lot, tried to understand. He kept assuring me that this was only about sex. I still refused and said I wanted us to go to counselling. He got angrier and angrier. Eventually I told him that if he wanted my blessing he didn’t have it and I was not agreeing to this.
    During these few days he was planning to go to CHCH to see his 3rd son whom he hadn’t seen for 18months, and catch up with the older 2 up there as well. He kept insisting that he wanted to go while I looked after his youngest son. He told me he wanted us to have time alone together.
    So off he went while I looked after his 10 year old son. He was due to stay 2 days. On the second day, his eldest son phone me around 6pm saying he was looking for his dad, hoping to see him for his second day in CHCH. I had no news, kept ring his cell, no answer. I assumed he had decided to come back one night early and was on the road. We waited up until 10.30, still unable to contact him. Because his ex lives on the way between our home and CHCH I thought he might have stopped there for a rest (we used to do that sometimes). I phoned her, she said he might have stopped at this brother’s.
    10 minutes later my partner phones and tells me he has to come clean, he is with her and will have sex and do what he wants. I am stuck at home with their son asleep in his bed.
    I feel they ambushed me and trapped me in the most disgusted manner.
    I insisted we start counselling immediately when he came back and I would not tolerate this. I also immediately went to the GP to discuss HRT for me and was also given anti-depressants at half dose for PMS.

    All seemed to work well until Easter. Sex resumed more often and I made a point of initiating a lot more. Then he turned on me and described my efforts to initiate as using him like a gimp. He stopped having sex, all affection and did not pressure him. We carried on with counselling and it got worse and worse. Eventually he said he didn’t love me, was in love with his ex, maybe had never loved me. This is the man who told me 9 years ago that I was a wonderful woman and he wanted to grow old in my arms.

    We carried on with counselling, me trying to persuade him to give us a chance. I believe I have changed a lot, become a lot less negative, more relaxed in every day life (although I have been dying inside all year). He kept denying that he was having anything to do with her.

    I now have proof that the affair is on going. He told me he is finished with me but pretends this has nothing to do with her although I know he has been seeing her behind my back when I am at work. I have been looking after their son every weekend this whole time.

    I feel absolutely disgusted and used. I want to out them to the entire family. I believe this is what I should have done back in January. Some days I want to die because I am so disgusted. Other days I want to do everything I can to make him see sense. How can a woman leave her son with the partner of the man she is having an affair with. What kind of person does this?
    They have turned our life into Jeremy Kyle!!!

    I do believe they should be outed and there should be some justice.

    Please someone talk to me.

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