gary0028ParticipantDecember 15, 2016 at 8:10 pmPost count: 3
This is going to be a long story.
My name is Gary and i have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. We have a 3 year old son. Straight after the birth she went into post natal depression. we went through maternity mental health , segar house , couple counseling (three different counselors), and few other agencies that were recommended to us. Turns out she have bipolar personality disorder and was put on anti-depressants. she still spends most of her time seeing the psychiatrist and doing workshops
We both come from two different worlds, i am originally from India and she is from NZ .The differences between us seem to be unsolvable.even though there are no real issues. we have everything that any one can wish for. We both wanted to make it work for our son. But nothing seems to work. i can’t remember any week in last three years when we didn’t fight or argue. On a good day we do enjoy each others company (or at-least i do). but on a bad day (which are very often) its so suffocating and i feel like i am stuck and helpless but can’t leave because i don’t want our son to pay for our mistakes.
We never had a connection and were initially just friends with benefits. And then i knocked her up. She wanted to keep the child and i just couldn’t leave. Then the child was born and then things got worst and worst and worst.
yesterday night we had one of our usual argument. we went to sleep together. I woke in the morning and left for work. then in the afternoon i get a text from her that she is leaving and can’t talk. all she told me was that she is taking our son with her and she is going to stay in a motel. she has done this before and last time i apologized and bought her back. i always had a hope that one day it will change and we will have a happy family.
i was always optimistic and tried by best to be the bigger person as i thought she was struggling to fight with her mental illness and troubled childhood (child abuse by her family members). Her mother is a metal patient too, so is her brother. her parents are separated. She don’t have any friends at all. the only person she has is me and i always felt bad about leaving her because if i leave she would have no one.
All of my family and friends don’t come to our home because she has fought with every single one of them.
But today she chose to leave and i have no motivation to get her back. At the same time i am sad and wish that she comes back and feeling anxious.
LOGICALLY:- us separating is good for everyone that is somehow related to us. i called all the counselors and they said seek legal advice. Also, our son is now growing up and he experiences this first hand and i have seen him standing in the corner (scared) looking at us fighting/arguing.
i am feeling sad and don’t want to accept the failure. my mind tells me that let her go its for the best and on the other hand my heart is saying go get her back.
please advise what can i do.Karen DegenModeratorDecember 16, 2016 at 7:10 amPost count: 8
Hi Gary, sorry to hear what you are going through. If she has mental health issues this will be impacting on your relationship. It is great that she is getting help for that and she may well improve, but it might take a while. One of your decisions to make is whether your son will be happier with you together or apart. Parents arguing and an unhappy house can impact on a child just as much (and sometimes more) than parents being apart. Your other decision is about your own happiness – will you be happier in the relationship/family or apart from it. Weigh the answer to both those questions and use your heart to help decide, not just your head. If you ever want any professional help to decide, or to be free of the emotions that are affecting you let me know, its what I do. All the best. Love Karengary0028ParticipantDecember 16, 2016 at 9:21 amPost count: 3
Thank Karen for your reply.
I have basically no one to talk this about so I thought I will put the whole story here and get a outsider’s perspective on the situation to help me make a decision.
I have thought about this many times. Answer to the first question is my son will definitely be happier if we stayed together. He would have better life. first reason is I am the only bread winner in this family. She doesn’t work and don’t want to work. Her plan is to live on benefits. Her brother and his family haven’t work in last 17 years and live on benefits. So she is convinced that she will be happy doing that and can raise a child without working. last to last week she told me how she hated our son that day and she wants to grab his hand and twist until it breaks his bones. I know that’s not her usual feelings but every now and then when does have these episodes of depression or whatever you call it, she turns into this animal. so for that reason I believe if we are together I can protect him form any such thing. It only takes one of those episodes to do a permanent damage to him and if that happens I will never be able to forget myself. This is majorly the reason why I always just carried on no matter how hard was it some days.
Answer to the second question about my happiness is that I don’t know. I may be without her. But I won’t be without my son, he looks up to me so much and not having him there everyday will be sad. I don’t know if she will ever be free of her mental illness. it runs in the family her mother have the same issue and she spent half of her life in rehab. My father in law warned me about this. her mother has still the same issues as she had 35 years ago. I have no hope that she will get better.
But I want to make this right. I don’t how or even if its possible? I wish this is just a dream and I will wake up and everything will be alright.Karen DegenModeratorDecember 16, 2016 at 12:04 pmPost count: 8
Its not an easy situation Gary. From your reply it seems to me that staying together is the right option – for now at least. So if you are going to stay together going to get her could be the right choice. She definitely still needs to be receiving help, and possibly you do too, to help you deal with the situation. Its definitely a case where professionals need to be involved. Have you tried talking with her psychologist/counsellor? Sometimes that can help and there may be options for you to get support too. You may need to ask them if there is something available for you. All the best.gary0028ParticipantDecember 16, 2016 at 1:07 pmPost count: 3
thanks Karen. I have asked her so many times to get me involved but all of the agencies that are involved doesn’t seem to care. its been three years now and I haven’t have single interaction with any one. I really appreciate your advice.
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